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February 6, 2012
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A Pure Love Exchange


She leers at me with her cerulean apertures.
The faintest uncongealed tear materialized.
Biting her chromatic nails recently manicured,
Her attempted dirty look at me becomes sanitized.

The awkward moment persists,
My mouth opens but the sounds are suspended.
Her essence is impossible to resist.
This is not what she expected.

My feelings for her are undeniable.
She has chosen me as her worthy consort
But she questions whether I am reliable.
In this instance I am not swift with a retort.

Forced to reveal my fragility,
I postpone our wantonly gaze.
Cigarettes and floral scents invade the vicinity.
My mind is secured in a vacant daze.


My hand reaches for hers desperately,
Her hand wraps round my tactile index finger.
I whisper in her ear adulate words relentlessly.
A fountain descends of which I unintentionally triggered.


I embrace her entire anatomy,
My lips converge with her forehead.
She looks up at me emphatically.
She has finally been courted.

Kela lewis-morin
something i wrote inspired by my girlfreind maybe could be considered apart of the valentine genre of poetry? let me know what you think guys :)
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:iconblackashsunset:
blackashsunset Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Your rhyming measure was lovely. Kudos.
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2012   Writer
I will be critiquing this poem on behalf of
:iconsuperwritershelp:

Firstly, I agree with you in part - some of this can be considered to fall within the Valentines scope of poetry. However, it starts off with the word 'leers' instead of 'looks' - and leers has negative connotations to it. This particular ST is one I have issue with.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

Grammar:
There are no obvious mistakes that I spotted.

Punctuation:
You have punctuated this well. I know where to breathe or where to pause.

Rhyme:
The rhyme in this is so subtle that it took me about 4 reads to even notice it. I like this particular type of rhyme, as it doesn't detract from the meaning of the poem. You also have no instances of forced rhyme that I can see.

Word Choice:
Your vocabulary is fantastic and your juxtaposition is super.

Overall:
I liked this poem, though the first few ST's aren't really a 'love poem' as one tends to think about them.

:star::star::star::star::star-empty:

J
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2012  Student Writer
awwwh thank you so much this have given me such a boost :) i chose to use leer because i wanted to add like an ambigious effect to it to make it look like a courtship but with some sort of resistance from the female. as the verses contiues he eventual breaks down her barriers and attains his valentine :) thank you so much for your honest kind words :)
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:iconjelliclesong:
Jelliclesong Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2012  Student Writer
Amazing! Usually poets are only able to convey emotions, but you have not only captured the different emotions, but also told a very detailed story. Love it!
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2012  Student Writer
thank you :)sometimes i feel the rhyme is forced but i guess i just need to get better at my craft lol
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:iconvalleigh:
valleigh Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2012  Student Writer
very good, i loved this one, you are good at what you do.
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2012  Student Writer
awwwh thank you :)
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:iconvalleigh:
valleigh Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2012  Student Writer
yw
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2012  Student Writer
:)
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:iconakatsukisfallenangel:
AkatsukisFallenAngel Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012
I thought this was soo sweet =D I have hardly eard a guy so open about how he feels, I think you did a great job here =)
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