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Literature by WantsToLoseHerMask

Poetry by Rumor-the-Mirage

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March 20, 2013
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Friend Zone.

I just can never seem to get it right.
How can she say that I am not her type?
After the constant phone calls and the facebook messages
And listening to you talk about all of your annoying relatives.
I thought that you and I could’ve been something.
I know now you think all guys are just after one thing.
Especially after the last guy and what he did to you
And I thought since I was the person you came running to.
That maybe, eventually there could be something between us
And you would believe me when I say I am not thinking of my penis.

When I say I long to hear your voice, even if it's only for a little while
And I love the way your delicate dimples develop whenever you smile.
I even love the way you chew your nails wildly whenever you’re nervous.
So when my suppressed feelings for you begin to pierce through the surface
And I confess all of the affection held captive in my chest.
You say that you love me but you can only see me as a best...

This where the memory begins to turn hazy
And where I wish the ground would cave in and take me.
Back to the start of this very scene,
The part where my feelings remained in my dreams.
Because maybe then you wouldn’t see me in a different light
And we would still be up on the phone to each other all night.
I would rather hold it all in and resist the urge to ever mention
My feelings for you, if it meant we could keep our connection.


Kela Lewis-Morin
Something I wrote tonight I had a thought and my mind just would not let it go lol So I tried my best to illustrate what I wanted to say. I tried to do something different with one and literally try and say what is in my head. To be honest I do not really like this piece but I thought I might as well put it up because otherwise it would just sit in my documents unread lol I guess because I have such little time to write now that when I do get some time I try and make the most of it. But the thing is you cannot force creativity and that is what I think I did with this piece lol never the less I hope you guys like it :)
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:iconnaktarra:
Naktarra Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2014   Writer

Hello! I'm Naktarra from :icongrammarnazicritiques: and I'm here to review your piece of literature “Friendzone.”


Initial Thoughts


When I first read this poem as a reader, I have to say that I was very impressed. It's easy to find on the internet quite a bit of slack on men and women when it comes to being put into the infamous 'friendzone.' While I can say that I can not vouch for the emotional trauma that is claimed with the zone, I can deduce with my wonderful detective skills that this poem has reached out to quite a few people who have had this experience.



Pros


Now it's to move onto the actual poem itself.


  • Very fluid movement in the poem

  • Controlled rhyme-scheme that you should be proud of. I love the use of almost rhyming words like “messages” and “relatives.”

  • Having a very strong emotion in the poem which really makes the reader feel sorry for your troubles. :)

  • Your stanzas are broken up into three sections. It gives the impression of having a story with a beginning, middle and end. I like this because it's giving the poem some sort of centre to it. It's not a free-verse which is flying all over the place.




Suggestions


In future poetry, the biggest suggestion I'm going to give you is not to pick such a common theme. There is nothing wrong with writing about the common poetry topics like fear, romance or love, but I'm suggesting this out of positivity. You're a good writer, I bet you could put this amount of emotion into some abstract and wonderful idea.


I have see from your other poetry that you have done this. With interesting topics like, “Hunting of the Job,” and “Happy New Year.”


With a poetic mind such as your own, I hope you find more time for writing creative pieces like this and more.


Happy writing,

Naktarra

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:iconlindartz:
LindArtz Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2013
Wow. Powerful! So full of meaning - crazy - meaning...All that wanting for something, then pushing it away when it embraces you, such as the girl did here...
Beautifully written.

...I wish I could write like you. I've never said that to anyone before, all my loooong years on this earth! :thumbs::up:
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:iconironbatmaiden91:
IronBatMaiden91 Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2013
Awwwww that's so sweet. I'm so sorry that happened. I'm sure you'll find someone that loves and appreciates you.
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:iconjosh-ryan:
JOSH-Ryan Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2013
This is such a good poem, with real feeling to it. I know this story from both sides. In the end i think unrequited love is a myth, but it can feel real and that sucks.
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:icondizzybeyor:
dizzybeyor Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Great rhythm and it reads fluidly. I wish the lines-per-stanza were more uniform, it helps with the presentation aspect. I like your rhyme scheme too. ^_^ Nice job
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:iconlittlelinguist:
Littlelinguist Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2013  Student Writer
Amazing it is! :)
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:iconmarktshaw:
MarkTShaw Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is excellent man, a lot of truth hear. You have a great ear for rhythm, very clean
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:iconsilvergabetha834:
silvergabetha834 Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2013  Professional General Artist
OOoooo been there from the female side. That's rough. I don't know if this piece is related to something you've gone through or not, but either way you captured the emotion perfectly. Nice work.
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:iconcodaai:
Codaai Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2013
I hate people who do that they make you feel like ur the only one and then when you tell them how the feel they run away
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:iconcoup-de-coeur:
coup-de-coeur Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
the friendzone is just a word invented so that y'all could feel entitled to a girl's affections.
just because you like her doesn't mean she has to like you.
her friendship is not some consolation prize.
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