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Limelight.



Why do we go for the things we're not supposed to?

             Why are we attracted to things our parents are opposed too?

                       Why can't we control the things we are unknowingly exposed too?

                              How come despite our best efforts, we can be fully composed to

                                     Dealing with half of the things we uncontrollably go through?

                                              Why is it that no matter how many good deeds you do in this world.

                                                     On the rare occasion that you accidentally do make a mistake

                                                           Or lapse in judgment.

                                                                 It is then and only then,
            
                                                                      That they notice

                                                                           And begin to relentlessly focus.

                                                                               On you?




Kela lewis-morin

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A little something I wrote in my mind and just couldn't figure out how to word it on paper lol but I eventually got it out. It's not one of my best but I believe the message is true. Why is whenever you do something bad the public immediately focus on it and attached a stigma to you. Sometimes humans can be very cruel creatures. Anyways hope you like it and hope it makes sense :)

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Submitted on
August 6, 2012
File Size
1.4 KB
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Sta.sh
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393
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:iconartman4444:
*snaps fingers*
Reply
:iconarcoiris-gato:
~ArcoIris-Gato Aug 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It is true. People barely notice when you do something good, but as soon as you do the slightest mistake everyone seems to keep their eyes on you. It's like they don't trust you anymore. No matter all the good that you've done before, one mistake can make it all seem pointless :P
Reply
:icontheartymiss:
~TheArtymiss Aug 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Nicely done.
Reply
:iconsly-the-foxx:
~Sly-The-Foxx Aug 12, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Hehe i really loved the flow and rhyme scheme, part of it sounded like a really good rap <3 haha and i hate rap so that's saying something XD
Reply
:iconzereverefano:
~Zereverefano Aug 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
you ever heard of the rush song 'limelight'? this would be a good companion to your poem...
Reply
:iconcretesummerfang:
~CreteSummerfang Aug 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh my God, this looks really cool. And I can really connect with this. Nice work, kingkelz! C:
Reply
:iconskruffy123:
~skruffy123 Aug 9, 2012  Professional General Artist
Upon further review, the thought processes is very relate-able, though not particularly coherent, but in fact you may have answered your initial question with your final statement, i would suggest reviewing these thoughts in order to come up with a more comprehensive composition.
P.s.
Grammar is important.
Reply
:iconskruffy123:
~skruffy123 Aug 9, 2012  Professional General Artist
It sounds a bit more like a rant than a composition, you digress to never return to the original subject. There is value in a rant but seldom is it held in high regard, and if you do in fact want your work to have an impact on others you will have to set high standards for yourself. unless of course you write for you and you are are happy with this, in which case disregard the previous comment.
Reply
:iconanother-hitchhiker:
Hello there! The comment is in regards to this piece being submitted into the Critique Corner in #WrittenMasterpieces. Thanks for submitting!

First or all, I'm seeing a major lack of editing in this piece. In the first line, "were" is missing the apostrophe and "too" should be "to". In the second line, the "too" mistake is repeated. In the third line, "cant" is missing the apostrophe. In the forth line, "comes" should be "come". "Why is it that no matter how many good deeds you do in this world." is a sentence fragment. The next two lines also form a fragment. I'm not entirely sure why the eleventh line ends in a period, but I am going to assume that one was intentional. Overall, it seems that you did not spend very much time with this piece, and overlooked many basic mistakes. This can all be solved if you take the time to re-read (and re-re-read) and tweak your work to its full potential. :)

Additionally, I found much of your wording to be awkward and forced. I think I've said this before -- but in your quest to make some of the words rhyme, you tend to lose meaning. Try to remember that the use of rhyme is meant to help with rhythm and flow, and to tie the whole poem together. It is meant to compliment the theme, not to confuse it. I think this is most obvious in the lines: "How comes despite our best efforts, we can be fully composed to/ Dealing with half of the things we uncontrollably go through?" I re-read this sentence multiple times, but I have found no meaning within it whatsoever. (If you can offer some clarification for me here, please do so!)

Lastly, it seems that this poem completely changes themes without any visible connection. You begin speaking about the human tendency to want that which is not good for a person. Then, the poem switches topics and marvels that we cannot control that to which we are exposed. Finally, the poem states that as humans, we are only noticed by others when we make a mistake or do something wrong. I like all of these ideas, and they are very worthy of exploration -- but I do not see what they have to do with each other. As a reader, I do not know why I'm supposed to take from this piece because there is no central idea. It comes across as very inconsistent.

I hope this helps you a bit on your journey as a writer. Good luck, and keep writing! :)
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:iconlivinglifeoutloud:
OMG like I said before soooo relate-able. I feel like this all the time. haha you captured it sooo beautifully and honestly!!! love the way you made it look and the rhythm/flow of it. Good job!!! =D
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