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June 29, 2012
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Reality Verses The Dream.


Above the confines of the earths atmosphere.

I am embraced by the luminous clouds.

With the stars in reaching distance.

Surrounded by the acoustics of the sea.

Accompanied by the alluring scents of nature.

Observing the planets that stand like monuments.


This is the place where my body wants to be.

These are the sights my eyes want to see.

This is place where my mind can be free.

This is the only place where I can truly be me.


Now back to reality.

And the self perpetuating insanity.

Constricted by the codes of a conscripted morality.

Living in a world that is drenched in disparity.

How will I ever be able to see any sort of clarity.


Below the discoloured  and tarnished ceiling.

I am held captive by my dishevelled duvet.

With only material possessions at my grasp.

Surrounded by a hybrid of silence and vulgarity.

Accompanied by the foul scents of  decay and pollution.

Observing a society that stand and act like naïve slaves.


This is the place where I currently reside.

With nothing but my words and faltering pride.

A place where no one focuses on the beauty inside.

A militarised zone of which there is no where to hide.


Kela lewis-morin
I was watching an episode Angel random I know but it got me thinking about my ultimate utopia and the life I'm living right now. I thought I'd try and express this through well my work lol hope you like it :) and I hope it works let me know what you think guys :)
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
VISION 5/5

The theme of returning to a natural/spiritual state, rather than relying on material objects, is well worn but you present in a way that creates a personal feel - while at the same time making the reader feel like the poem is about them. That's a very difficult feat to pull off, but you've certainly done so, very well.


ORIGINALITY  3/5

"Observing a society that stand and act like naïve slaves.

This is the place where I currently reside.
With nothing but my words and faltering pride.
A place where non one focuses on the beauty inside.
A militarized zone of which there is no where to hide."

^ I feel these lines are the ones I relate to the most. Especially since I struggle with body image. The last line, especially resonates: "there is no where to hide."  It leaves a foreboding note to the poem, as if it is predicting a future - confronting the reader with the possibility of a militarized state.


TECHNIQUE: 3/5


:bulletred: Puncutation

There are too many End-Stops (lines that end with a period, creating an direct cue to the reader). Your poem would benefit from the use of commas and colons to increase flow and allow the reader to think in to the Narrator's head space.

:bulletblue:  Enjambment (the technique of allowing lines to flow into one another as complete thoughts)

There are many thought processes and mixed emotions occurring in this piece. The use of enjambment throughout the poem would help to keep the reader's attention and to illustrate the images you are painting into a clearer image.

:bulletpurple: Line Re-Arranging

The biggest suggestion I have for you - to increase the power of the last stanza, is to alter the placement on the lines. I've isolated the specific few lines that I am referencing (away from the rest of the poem) so you can see more easily how flow changes and how the message you want to get across can be much stronger.

 a society that acts  like slaves


a place where no one focuses on beauty inside

is the place I currently reside.

With nothing but words and faltering pride.

A militarised zone where there is nowhere to hide.



[The changes I've suggested below are in bold - and are meant to show how you could increase the impact of your piece rather than leaving it with so many direct sentences.



Above the confines of the earths atmosphere,

embraced by the luminous clouds 

the stars within reaching distance.

Surrounded by the acoustics of the sea

accompanied by the alluring scents of nature

I observe the planets that stand like monuments.


This is the place where my body wants to be,

 sights my eyes want to see;

the place where my mind can be free.

This is the only place where I can truly be me.


Now reality

 the self perpetuating insanity -

Constricted by the codes of a conscripted morality

 in a world that is drenched in disparity.



How will I ever be able to see any sort of clarity

below discoloured  and tarnished ceiling tiles?  

I am held captive by my dishevelled duvet,

 material possessions at my grasp

only surrounded by vulgar silence

accompanied  by scents of  decay and pollution -

 a society that acts  like slaves


a place where no one focuses on beauty inside

is the place I currently reside.

With nothing but words and faltering pride.

A militarised zone where there is nowhere to hide.


IMPACT 4.5/5

Your poem definitely confronts the need to move from technological/material isolation to natural/spiritual community. It's a topic I've never been able to put into word - but I definitely agree and I'm glad you've started constructing thoughts into a coherent poem. 

:clapping: 

~ H-A-Cooke
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:icontazunee:
Tazunee Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:clap:
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:iconwishingunderthatstar:
WishingUnderThatStar Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I do feel that some of the rhymes in the third stanza feel a little forced. However, I am slightly biased as I think the these word endings (-ed, -ily etc) are an easy way out.

My favourite line would be:
"Surrounded by a hybrid of silence and vulgarity."

You might want to be careful with your poems. I've noticed that you have a tendency to be rather wordy and that loses the effect that you're trying to create. Shorter lines that have meaning has a lot more impact than, say, a whole stanza that's full of long words. I'm not good at explaining this but what I'm trying to say is that sometimes, you need to call a spade a spade.
Hoped this helped.
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:iconevelyntaliette:
EvelynTaliette Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Student Writer
Hmm, beautiful poem though I do have some suggestions.
If you were to try to communicate both across more smoothly, you could incorporate a different type of format for either. Dream can flow smoothly, gently moving from line to line, while Insanity can be made of broken sentences and capitalized words to influence the reader's tone.
"Below the discoloured and tarnished ceiling,
I am held captive by my
dishevelled duvet
With only material possessions at my grasp
Surrounded by a hybrid of
silence and vulgarity Accompanied by the
foul scents of decay and pollution of a society that acts like na´ve slaves."
So basically, just play around with your format! Poetry doesn't need to be full sentences
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:iconriarri:
Riarri Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is absolutely amazing. I know many people who would rather live in their dreams, and, when faced with reality, are disappointed. You captured this concept perfectly, and I love the expression in this piece.
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:iconjacob-c-wolf:
Jacob-C-Wolf Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful work you have here. It is both true and really good to read. I love the rhyme scheme and the structure of the work. I enjoy writings about dreams and reality. The world of dreams is an expansive one of many different makings.


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:iconlustfullyyoursxx:
LustfullyYoursxX Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2012  Student Writer
Amen, man. Love the whole tone of it, the blatant manner in which it points out the truth of the world we've created...
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:iconmystichorns:
MysticHorns Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2012  Professional Writer
Live like if you were inside a dream and let the universe make his part.
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:iconxxstarfallxx:
xxstarfallxx Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
"Before the reality comes the dream." that's actually my favorite quote that someone told me a while ago.
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2012  Student Writer
ahh really i'm glad I could remind you of this quote :) please feel free to check some of my other works anytime if you like :)
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