Reality Verses The Dream

VISION 5/5

The theme of returning to a natural/spiritual state, rather than relying on material objects, is well worn but you present in a way that creates a personal feel - while at the same time making the reader feel like the poem is about them. That's a very difficult feat to pull off, but you've certainly done so, very well.


ORIGINALITY  3/5

"Observing a society that stand and act like naïve slaves.

This is the place where I currently reside.
With nothing but my words and faltering pride.
A place where non one focuses on the beauty inside.
A militarized zone of which there is no where to hide."

^ I feel these lines are the ones I relate to the most. Especially since I struggle with body image. The last line, especially resonates: "there is no where to hide."  It leaves a foreboding note to the poem, as if it is predicting a future - confronting the reader with the possibility of a militarized state.


TECHNIQUE: 3/5


Puncutation

There are too many End-Stops (lines that end with a period, creating an direct cue to the reader). Your poem would benefit from the use of commas and colons to increase flow and allow the reader to think in to the Narrator's head space.

  Enjambment (the technique of allowing lines to flow into one another as complete thoughts)

There are many thought processes and mixed emotions occurring in this piece. The use of enjambment throughout the poem would help to keep the reader's attention and to illustrate the images you are painting into a clearer image.

Line Re-Arranging

The biggest suggestion I have for you - to increase the power of the last stanza, is to alter the placement on the lines. I've isolated the specific few lines that I am referencing (away from the rest of the poem) so you can see more easily how flow changes and how the message you want to get across can be much stronger.

 a society that acts  like slaves


a place where no one focuses on beauty inside

is the place I currently reside.

With nothing but words and faltering pride.

A militarised zone where there is nowhere to hide.



[The changes I've suggested below are in bold - and are meant to show how you could increase the impact of your piece rather than leaving it with so many direct sentences.



Above the confines of the earths atmosphere,

embraced by the luminous clouds 

the stars within reaching distance.

Surrounded by the acoustics of the sea

accompanied by the alluring scents of nature

I observe the planets that stand like monuments.


This is the place where my body wants to be,

 sights my eyes want to see;

the place where my mind can be free.

This is the only place where I can truly be me.


Now reality

 the self perpetuating insanity -

Constricted by the codes of a conscripted morality

 in a world that is drenched in disparity.



How will I ever be able to see any sort of clarity

below discoloured  and tarnished ceiling tiles?  

I am held captive by my dishevelled duvet,

 material possessions at my grasp

only surrounded by vulgar silence

accompanied  by scents of  decay and pollution -

 a society that acts  like slaves


a place where no one focuses on beauty inside

is the place I currently reside.

With nothing but words and faltering pride.

A militarised zone where there is nowhere to hide.


IMPACT 4.5/5

Your poem definitely confronts the need to move from technological/material isolation to natural/spiritual community. It's a topic I've never been able to put into word - but I definitely agree and I'm glad you've started constructing thoughts into a coherent poem. 

 

~ H-A-Cooke