They wanted a no hoper.
Someone they could fold and mould to their liking
And with him being a self perpetuating loner.
The situation seemed too compellingly inviting.
They took advantage of his good nature.
They kept adding to his already overflowing plate
And they were not the type to ever return the favour.
He saw this transaction as a contraction of them becoming mates.
They would lie to his face and talk behind his back.
Setting him tedious tasks that were initially refused by others.
This then artfully allowed them to dart off track and slack.
Why is it that the insecure and pure are the ones that suffer?
And when he was no longer able to endure.
He was ripped out and shipped out immediately.
By a surplus of others who are willing to take up his chores.
This is a practice that is predestined to be replayed repeatedly.
Is this really the way this ruptured world is structured?
Do the absolutes prey and on the vulnerable and feeble?
Who is the person responsible for this hideous sculpture?
Can any of us really say that we all are born as equals?
ST = stanza
L = Line
I've read through this piece numerous times, and each time I've hesitated to critique it. I think it's time, it's been in the folder long enough.
Firstly, rhyme. You have a good scheme set up here, abab, but in ST 4 you suddenly change to abcb for this ST only. I think that, although subtle, this actually detracts from the powerful message you are portraying because it brings the rhyme into focus instead of it being something in the background like good rhyme should be.
Secondly, punctuation. I like that you have punctuated this piece. Many poets don't use punctuation - they say it's stylistic - and that actually detracts from the power of many pieces because you don't know where to breathe. That being said, some of your punctuation could use a revision. Remember that when you use enjambment you are saying that the sentence needs to be read as one full sentence without breath. Remember also that enjambment and line breaks are not the same thing. So, for example ST 1, where you have L2 & 3 enjambed you have a period after L3 where I feel a comma should be, because you seem to end in the middle of a sentence otherwise.
Overall you portray a very powerful message within this piece. At least what I get out of it is that people use people and people are dispensed with quite easily as if they mean nothing.
Hope this helps.
a stark reminder of why I cant be bothered with the world sometimes.
I try to be a gentleman all the time, but people cannot see a nice guy without taking advantage. which sucks.
im normally very upbeat, but you struck a chord there. powerful words.
shame your right.
for sure there is no equalíty.. and many human beings just dont got the personality/identity/selfconfidence (I'm a little bit like this) to get out of this circle
unfortunately the world also needs those persons, else we'd had pigheads everywhere