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They wanted a no hoper.
Someone they could fold and mould to their liking
And with him being a self perpetuating loner.
The situation seemed too compellingly inviting.

They took advantage of his good nature.
They kept adding to his already overflowing plate
And they were not the type to ever return the favour.
He saw this transaction as a contraction of them becoming mates.

They would lie to his face and talk behind his back.
Setting him tedious tasks that were initially refused by others.
This then artfully allowed them to dart off track and slack.
Why is it that the insecure and pure are the ones that suffer?

And when he was no longer able to endure.
He was ripped out and shipped out immediately.
By a surplus of others who are willing to take up his chores.
This is a practice that is predestined to be replayed repeatedly.

Is this really the way this ruptured world is structured?
Do the absolutes prey and on the vulnerable and feeble?
Who is the person responsible for this hideous sculpture?
Can any of us really say that we all are born as equals?

Kela Lewis-Morin
I have finally got some time to write yay lol I have been busy with work and my birthday but I knew I had to get some writing out of my system today lol This was something I have had in my head for months but I had no idea how to run with it. I wanted this piece to be ambiguous so it could apply to many different scenarios. Sometimes I think it is best to let the readers fill in the blanks and add their own approach. I hope you like it and I would like to thank everyone for their support, you have no idea how much it means to me.
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MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 30, 2015   Writer

Hi there, it's MagicalJoey from :icongrammarnazicritiques:. This will also be a CRITmas Critique.


:bulletred: ST = stanza

:bulletred: L = Line


I've read through this piece numerous times, and each time I've hesitated to critique it. I think it's time, it's been in the folder long enough.


Firstly, rhyme. You have a good scheme set up here, abab, but in ST 4 you suddenly change to abcb for this ST only. I think that, although subtle, this actually detracts from the powerful message you are portraying because it brings the rhyme into focus instead of it being something in the background like good rhyme should be.


Secondly, punctuation. I like that you have punctuated this piece. Many poets don't use punctuation - they say it's stylistic - and that actually detracts from the power of many pieces because you don't know where to breathe. That being said, some of your punctuation could use a revision. Remember that when you use enjambment you are saying that the sentence needs to be read as one full sentence without breath. Remember also that enjambment and line breaks are not the same thing. So, for example ST 1, where you have L2 & 3 enjambed you have a period after L3 where I feel a comma should be, because you seem to end in the middle of a sentence otherwise.


Overall you portray a very powerful message within this piece. At least what I get out of it is that people use people and people are dispensed with quite easily as if they mean nothing.


Hope this helps.


MadHat11D6 Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2013   Writer

I like this piece. It's actually a really strong piece. The opening is wonderful. 'They wanted a no hoper' it's a bit odd, but intriguing and it certainly made me want to see where you were going with that. Just the one thing, you might want to consider hyphenating 'no hoper'. At first, it seemed like it was just an extremely grammatically incorrect statement, and that took me out of it a bit. In the third line, 'and with him being' feels wrong. I'm sure there's a better way to phrase that. Maybe something like 'as he was'. The poem has a very story-like feel to it, so be mindful of that. Same sort of deal with 'them becoming mates'. It stands out as especially odd since 'transaction as a contraction' is so wonderful. The ninth line should probably end in a comma or be punctuation free, because it really wants to flow into the next line without that break. 'initially refused by others' also feels weird. I think for that, the word 'tedious' gets across that sort of feeling. So to finish the flow, you can elaborate rather than repeat. Or, it could be that this part of the sentence seems oddly formal compared to the others. I really like the whole 'ripped out and shipped out' and 'surplus' thing. That's really great. The questions at the end are great, and the last line is really strong. 

Over all, this is a pretty strong piece. Just some things here and there that interrupt the flow. Otherwise, good work!  
Gwenvar Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013   General Artist
That's awesome!
Sithspawn109 Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Poetry isn't normally something I read but this is really good. I loved the imagery of it, it's very articulate.  
simonpark81 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist

a stark reminder of why I cant be bothered with the world sometimes.

I try to be a gentleman all the time, but people cannot see a nice guy without taking advantage. which sucks.

im normally very upbeat, but you struck a chord there. powerful words.

shame your right.

larabrouz Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013
loove it
Edu-One Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
great read, such situations can be seen every day
for sure there is no equalíty.. and many human beings just dont got the personality/identity/selfconfidence (I'm a little bit like this) to get out of this circle

unfortunately the world also needs those persons, else we'd had pigheads everywhere :)
cyranosdemet Featured By Owner Jul 14, 2013
You ask after the motives of mankind... a dangerous thing to do. Those who survive are called wise, or jaded, sometimes both.
GoldenNocturna Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2013  Student Writer
Well, I have to say you got the ambiguity part pretty well. Several ideas came through my head as I read this--a person at a dead-end job, slavery, bullying...
LindArtz Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2013
Indeed, this can apply to many different scenarios! A lot of depth going on in your mind and heart... A great read!
aldwarke Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2013
Answer to Line 2, final stanza: Yes.
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Submitted on
July 8, 2013
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