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Unchearted


Home is where the heart is.
                                    
Where do you go if you have no heart?

The end is where the start is.


How can you proceed.

Without a fully motorized engine?

The inanimate body still bleeds.


How can we function and operate.

Without a soul purpose?

Love and pain refuse to cooperate.


Life becomes incomplete

                                        The journey becomes obsolete

                                                                                        Moist tears long for the concrete

Mental stability

                         Subjected to fragility

                                                          Invades our organic vicinity

Our insides become hollow

                                          Our anonymous journals filled with sorrow

                                                                                                             And there will be no good morrow





Kela lewis-morin
inspired by the human anatomy and the role of the heart. i tried to be distant from this piece but still have a universal personal spin on it lol i try to do the impossible in my mind but it never usually works lol anyway let me know what you think :)
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Vision: 3/5

The theme of your piece has a lot of potential. I feel that the second half of the piece, with the fragmented format brings the overall emotion to your piece and sets in the impact. I would suggest picking one format for your poem, as different formats effect the reader in different ways, and mixing them takes away the strength you have in second half.

Originality: 4/5

I have never seen this theme done in this manner before. I think you start the poem with a really strong set of lines. I feel the impact of the words would be stronger if you broke the beginning into fragmented couplets.

Technique 3/5

As I said before, the mixed fixed form and free verse is rather confusing. I would suggest moving around some lines for impact sake, and also fragmenting the first part of the piece. All the words below are your own - and word or phrasing changes will be in bold.

Home is where the heart is.
Where do you go if you have no heart?

The end if where the start is
How can you proceed without clear valves?

----> I think the fragmentation is what gives this piece its mental and emotional connection to readers who have experienced this same situation. See how well fragmented couplets work?

----> The first metaphor that stuck out to me was "fully motorized engine." I understand what you are trying to say. The heart is like the body's engine. Without a heart a body can't run. But, I don't feel that car imagery really does any good because the metaphor isn't extended later on. It sort of sticks out by itself. That's why I suggested "clear valves." That sort of applies to a car metaphor but also more clearly speaks about the heart - how it needs clear ventricles for the blood and oxygen to pass through.

The inanimate body still bleeds.
How do we function without a purpose?

---> "Opoorate' and 'function' have the same definition. Using words that mean the same thing, in the same line, takes away the power of the word itself. Out of the two I believe 'function' is the strongest.

Overall, with my minimal suggestions your poem would look like this (relatively, you'd have to figure out margins and formatting later) given my advice.

Home is where the heart is.
Where do you go if you have no heart?

The end if where the start is
How can you proceed without clear valves?


The inanimate body still bleeds.
How do we function without a purpose?
Love and pain refuse to cooperate.


Life becomes incomplete

The journey becomes obsolete

Moist tears long for the concrete

Mental stability

Subjected to fragility

Invades our organic vicinity

Our insides become hollow

Our anonymous journals filled with sorrow

And there will be no good morrow

Impact: 4/5

I could relate to the poetry. I felt like the Speaker of the poem really understood how it felt to feel empty and as if you don't fit in at the house you live in. That the journey to finding a home is opening your hear to people and getting through the pain they feel.

All these emotion and concepts are clear in your poem, and the impact could be a 5 if the whole piece was fragmented and staggered to show the complete immersion of the mind in the journey to search for purpose.

Great job with this piece!

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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner May 2, 2012  Student Writer
thank you for your kind and constructive words :) they mean alot to me and i will use your guidance to improve my craft :) please feel free to check out some of my other stuff if you like :) it would be most helpful
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner May 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome!

I figured I should give commentary since I put the stuff in my favorites. :-)

I like to see poets out there developing their voice and style. It's refreshing to come to dA and see so many different talents.

I think I will be commenting on more of your stuff - but for now it will mostly be because it ended up in my faovrites gallery! I'm trying to catch up with current Favs by commenting on all of them.

I find that dA's criteria for critique are very helpful to organize my thoughts. :-)

:-) I hope to hear from you on my works as well! I've got some poetry up if you look in the gallery folders!
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner May 5, 2012  Student Writer
ahhhh okay :) thank you that means alot to me im glad you like my work :) it make it all worth while almost like im doing something productive and im not utterly useless lol
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner May 6, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I don't think writing is every useless. It helps people work through their thoughts and learn more about themselves. It also gives a creative outlet for pent up stress and emotion - so poetry is never useless!
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner May 13, 2012  Student Writer
ahhh i agree :) couldnt have said it better myself its not that my poetry is worthless. but its the fact that i myself think im worthless :/ que violines lool
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner May 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Why do you think you're worthless?
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2012  Student Writer
just because I've been getting so many rejections from publishers and I have a very negative mentality
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(1 Reply)
:iconsoraismyhomeboy:
SoraIsMyHomeboy Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
bam! this is awesome. the first two lines are my favorite :)
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2012  Student Writer
ahh thank you :) glad you like it :)
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:iconjessiemw14:
JessieMW14 Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
awsome!
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2012  Student Writer
ahhh thank you :)glad you liked it please feel free to check out some of my other stuff if you like :)
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:iconsze-kai-di:
Sze-Kai-di Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2012  Student Writer
Wow, this poem is powerful! Love the rhyming and the structure~

Written on the behalf of #FightToWrite
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2012  Student Writer
ahh thank you :) glad you liked it :) please feel free to check out some of my other stuff if you like :)
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:icondeinktvis:
deinktvis Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2012  Student Writer
i like the flow, but i think maybe the rhymes are a bit heavy.
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2012  Student Writer
ahh for real? :/ i never get it right lol
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:icondeinktvis:
deinktvis Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2012  Student Writer
i mean i can dig the attempt. in my opinion, it didn't work out too well this time is all.
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2012  Student Writer
yeah i guess
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:iconsamwinchester14:
samwinchester14 Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
I absolutely love this. :aww: I definitely felt a lonely emotion, which I'm kinda assuming you were going for that. And I also like the structure. Very nice writing! :highfive:
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2012  Student Writer
ahh thank you :) glad you liked it this made me smile :) please feel free to check out some of my other stuff if you like :)
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:iconsamwinchester14:
samwinchester14 Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
Glad I could make you smile! :) and you're very welcome! :hug:
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2012  Student Writer
ahh thats sweet :) check out some of my other stuff :)
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:iconkuraun-kuraun:
Kuraun-Kuraun Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Powerful piece. I especially loved the way you formatted your writing.
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2012  Student Writer
ahh thank you :) glad it worked and you liked it and please feel free to check out some of my other stuff if you like :)
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:iconkuraun-kuraun:
Kuraun-Kuraun Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome. =) Will do!
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2012  Student Writer
ahhh let me know what you think :)
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:iconan-anonymous-friend:
an-anonymous-friend Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2012
i think you might have mispelled the title. and in the second stanza, i dont know if you did it on purpose for effect, but the second sentence isnt a complete sentence. but it could be if you removed the period. but i understand that you might have wanted that period there for a pause before the next line.

personally i dont mind incomplete sentences in poetry but then the first sentence of that line would need a question mark at the end. there's something about having 2 questions in a row that makes me only want to use one lol...

but enough about that. the meaning, i believe you did find an interesting way to combine your ideas with facts. to be honest, you are one of the few people that i think rhyme well and make it meaningful.

i really think it was well thought out. opening with that question really grabs your attention, and is essential to capture immediate attention with in the first stanza. thats my belief anyhow. it has a feel to me like some kind of poetic thesis.

the meaning of this to me was that you made a clear image of how despairful it is to not have purpose at all. but the feeling just seemed like it was more thoughtful than emotional. and that isnt a bad thing at all, i assure you

my favorite line would have to be "our anonymous journals filled with our sorrows". it impacted me a bit because i saw something compassionate and omnicious in the words.

overall, it was pretty good. although i think you could do a bit better. i only say that cause i do know you are really good. and i know you will have much better writing and ideas to come :)
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2012  Student Writer
ahhh thank you :) i like this comment its giving me a boost but pushing me to :) thank you so much and yes i mispelled it on purpose :p for effectiveness lol
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:iconkrypson:
Krypson Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
As always, very abstract with a witty sense of creativity. :D
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2012  Student Writer
ahh thank you glad you liked it :) i look forward to your comments :)
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:iconkrypson:
Krypson Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem, I am glad you enjoy what words I offer :D
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2012  Student Writer
i am very grateful :)
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:iconellohveeee:
EllOhVeeEe Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Tears. TEARS.
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2012  Student Writer
ahh is that good or bad? :/ lol
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:iconellohveeee:
EllOhVeeEe Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
good. for sure.
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner May 5, 2012  Student Writer
:)
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:iconnykiilynn:
NykiiLynn Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
i love it:) ..i had to look up half the words, but i love it XD
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2012  Student Writer
loool thank you
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:iconnykiilynn:
NykiiLynn Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
your welcome:)
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2012  Student Writer
:)
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:iconphantasm1:
Phantasm1 Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I like how you turned facts into something artistic/creative, and combined it with literary style :)
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2012  Student Writer
ahh thank you glad you liked it :) i look forward to your comments always :)
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:iconphantasm1:
Phantasm1 Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome :) thank you :blush:
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2012  Student Writer
:)
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:iconphantasm1:
Phantasm1 Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:)
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:iconstoryweaver29:
StoryWeaver29 Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2012
I really like it. I love the rhymes, how you used different, more desciptive words you can rhyme. :D
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2012  Student Writer
ahh thank you :) glad you liked it that made me smile :)
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