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April 4, 2012
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Home is where the heart is.
                                    
Where do you go if you have no heart?

The end is where the start is.


How can you proceed.

Without a fully motorized engine?

The inanimate body still bleeds.


How can we function and operate.

Without a soul purpose?

Love and pain refuse to cooperate.


Life becomes incomplete

                                        The journey becomes obsolete

                                                                                        Moist tears long for the concrete

Mental stability

                         Subjected to fragility

                                                          Invades our organic vicinity

Our insides become hollow

                                          Our anonymous journals filled with sorrow

                                                                                                             And there will be no good morrow





Kela lewis-morin
inspired by the human anatomy and the role of the heart. i tried to be distant from this piece but still have a universal personal spin on it lol i try to do the impossible in my mind but it never usually works lol anyway let me know what you think :)
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Vision: 3/5

The theme of your piece has a lot of potential. I feel that the second half of the piece, with the fragmented format brings the overall emotion to your piece and sets in the impact. I would suggest picking one format for your poem, as different formats effect the reader in different ways, and mixing them takes away the strength you have in second half.

Originality: 4/5

I have never seen this theme done in this manner before. I think you start the poem with a really strong set of lines. I feel the impact of the words would be stronger if you broke the beginning into fragmented couplets.

Technique 3/5

As I said before, the mixed fixed form and free verse is rather confusing. I would suggest moving around some lines for impact sake, and also fragmenting the first part of the piece. All the words below are your own - and word or phrasing changes will be in bold.

Home is where the heart is.
Where do you go if you have no heart?

The end if where the start is
How can you proceed without clear valves?

----> I think the fragmentation is what gives this piece its mental and emotional connection to readers who have experienced this same situation. See how well fragmented couplets work?

----> The first metaphor that stuck out to me was "fully motorized engine." I understand what you are trying to say. The heart is like the body's engine. Without a heart a body can't run. But, I don't feel that car imagery really does any good because the metaphor isn't extended later on. It sort of sticks out by itself. That's why I suggested "clear valves." That sort of applies to a car metaphor but also more clearly speaks about the heart - how it needs clear ventricles for the blood and oxygen to pass through.

The inanimate body still bleeds.
How do we function without a purpose?

---> "Opoorate' and 'function' have the same definition. Using words that mean the same thing, in the same line, takes away the power of the word itself. Out of the two I believe 'function' is the strongest.

Overall, with my minimal suggestions your poem would look like this (relatively, you'd have to figure out margins and formatting later) given my advice.

Home is where the heart is.
Where do you go if you have no heart?

The end if where the start is
How can you proceed without clear valves?


The inanimate body still bleeds.
How do we function without a purpose?
Love and pain refuse to cooperate.


Life becomes incomplete

The journey becomes obsolete

Moist tears long for the concrete

Mental stability

Subjected to fragility

Invades our organic vicinity

Our insides become hollow

Our anonymous journals filled with sorrow

And there will be no good morrow

Impact: 4/5

I could relate to the poetry. I felt like the Speaker of the poem really understood how it felt to feel empty and as if you don't fit in at the house you live in. That the journey to finding a home is opening your hear to people and getting through the pain they feel.

All these emotion and concepts are clear in your poem, and the impact could be a 5 if the whole piece was fragmented and staggered to show the complete immersion of the mind in the journey to search for purpose.

Great job with this piece!

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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner May 2, 2012  Student Writer
thank you for your kind and constructive words :) they mean alot to me and i will use your guidance to improve my craft :) please feel free to check out some of my other stuff if you like :) it would be most helpful
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner May 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome!

I figured I should give commentary since I put the stuff in my favorites. :-)

I like to see poets out there developing their voice and style. It's refreshing to come to dA and see so many different talents.

I think I will be commenting on more of your stuff - but for now it will mostly be because it ended up in my faovrites gallery! I'm trying to catch up with current Favs by commenting on all of them.

I find that dA's criteria for critique are very helpful to organize my thoughts. :-)

:-) I hope to hear from you on my works as well! I've got some poetry up if you look in the gallery folders!
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner May 5, 2012  Student Writer
ahhhh okay :) thank you that means alot to me im glad you like my work :) it make it all worth while almost like im doing something productive and im not utterly useless lol
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner May 6, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I don't think writing is every useless. It helps people work through their thoughts and learn more about themselves. It also gives a creative outlet for pent up stress and emotion - so poetry is never useless!
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner May 13, 2012  Student Writer
ahhh i agree :) couldnt have said it better myself its not that my poetry is worthless. but its the fact that i myself think im worthless :/ que violines lool
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:iconh-a-cooke:
H-A-Cooke Featured By Owner May 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Why do you think you're worthless?
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2012  Student Writer
just because I've been getting so many rejections from publishers and I have a very negative mentality
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(1 Reply)
:iconsoraismyhomeboy:
SoraIsMyHomeboy Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
bam! this is awesome. the first two lines are my favorite :)
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:iconkelalewis-morin:
KelaLewis-Morin Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2012  Student Writer
ahh thank you :) glad you like it :)
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