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Literature Text
Unchearted
Home is where the heart is.
Where do you go if you have no heart?
The end is where the start is.
How can you proceed.
Without a fully motorized engine?
The inanimate body still bleeds.
How can we function and operate.
Without a soul purpose?
Love and pain refuse to cooperate.
Life becomes incomplete
The journey becomes obsolete
Moist tears long for the concrete
Mental stability
Subjected to fragility
Invades our organic vicinity
Our insides become hollow
Our anonymous journals filled with sorrow
And there will be no good morrow
Kela lewis-morin
Home is where the heart is.
Where do you go if you have no heart?
The end is where the start is.
How can you proceed.
Without a fully motorized engine?
The inanimate body still bleeds.
How can we function and operate.
Without a soul purpose?
Love and pain refuse to cooperate.
Life becomes incomplete
The journey becomes obsolete
Moist tears long for the concrete
Mental stability
Subjected to fragility
Invades our organic vicinity
Our insides become hollow
Our anonymous journals filled with sorrow
And there will be no good morrow
Kela lewis-morin
Literature
If you'll forget
Have you ever watched raindrops on a pane of glass? They glide and eventually submerge into other raindrops and the more tears collide, the faster they fall until eventually they seep away.
That is life.
You are still until a single drop splashes on your head; you begin your slow walk downhill. Then drops and drops, big and small, come crashing and running. Crashing and running and shoving you downhill until you break your crown.
These are the "obstacles" in life. The traumas, the unluckies, the people, the horrors, the words, the fists, the illnesses, the stories these are the things that will kill you.
There is a heaviness
Literature
What's Not Being Said
I heard you sigh
but at the time
I didn't say a word;
I saw you cry
but didn't know
your voice was so unheard.
I felt you break
but truly thought
I shouldn't be around;
For my own sake
I should have fought
to keep your feelings sound.
Please, listen to what's not being said.
Literature
Stop
Leave me alone, please just do so
Stop being there
It is not like you really cared
You said I will be alone again
So let me be that
It has never stopped you before right
You used me the whole time
Like I was nothing
Why are you suddenly acting
Like you give two cents
about me now
"I did care for you."
Cut the crap
I no longer want to hear it.
Just stop, just stop please.
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inspired by the human anatomy and the role of the heart. i tried to be distant from this piece but still have a universal personal spin on it lol i try to do the impossible in my mind but it never usually works lol anyway let me know what you think
© 2012 - 2024 KelaLewis-Morin
Comments48
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Vision: 3/5
The theme of your piece has a lot of potential. I feel that the second half of the piece, with the fragmented format brings the overall emotion to your piece and sets in the impact. I would suggest picking one format for your poem, as different formats effect the reader in different ways, and mixing them takes away the strength you have in second half.
Originality: 4/5
I have never seen this theme done in this manner before. I think you start the poem with a really strong set of lines. I feel the impact of the words would be stronger if you broke the beginning into fragmented couplets.
Technique 3/5
As I said before, the mixed fixed form and free verse is rather confusing. I would suggest moving around some lines for impact sake, and also fragmenting the first part of the piece. All the words below are your own - and word or phrasing changes will be in bold.
Home is where the heart is.
Where do you go if you have no heart?
The end if where the start is
How can you proceed without clear valves?
----> I think the fragmentation is what gives this piece its mental and emotional connection to readers who have experienced this same situation. See how well fragmented couplets work?
----> The first metaphor that stuck out to me was "fully motorized engine." I understand what you are trying to say. The heart is like the body's engine. Without a heart a body can't run. But, I don't feel that car imagery really does any good because the metaphor isn't extended later on. It sort of sticks out by itself. That's why I suggested "clear valves." That sort of applies to a car metaphor but also more clearly speaks about the heart - how it needs clear ventricles for the blood and oxygen to pass through.
The inanimate body still bleeds.
How do we function without a purpose?
---> "Opoorate' and 'function' have the same definition. Using words that mean the same thing, in the same line, takes away the power of the word itself. Out of the two I believe 'function' is the strongest.
Overall, with my minimal suggestions your poem would look like this (relatively, you'd have to figure out margins and formatting later) given my advice.
Home is where the heart is.
Where do you go if you have no heart?
The end if where the start is
How can you proceed without clear valves?
The inanimate body still bleeds.
How do we function without a purpose?
Love and pain refuse to cooperate.
Life becomes incomplete
The journey becomes obsolete
Moist tears long for the concrete
Mental stability
Subjected to fragility
Invades our organic vicinity
Our insides become hollow
Our anonymous journals filled with sorrow
And there will be no good morrow
Impact: 4/5
I could relate to the poetry. I felt like the Speaker of the poem really understood how it felt to feel empty and as if you don't fit in at the house you live in. That the journey to finding a home is opening your hear to people and getting through the pain they feel.
All these emotion and concepts are clear in your poem, and the impact could be a 5 if the whole piece was fragmented and staggered to show the complete immersion of the mind in the journey to search for purpose.
Great job with this piece!
The theme of your piece has a lot of potential. I feel that the second half of the piece, with the fragmented format brings the overall emotion to your piece and sets in the impact. I would suggest picking one format for your poem, as different formats effect the reader in different ways, and mixing them takes away the strength you have in second half.
Originality: 4/5
I have never seen this theme done in this manner before. I think you start the poem with a really strong set of lines. I feel the impact of the words would be stronger if you broke the beginning into fragmented couplets.
Technique 3/5
As I said before, the mixed fixed form and free verse is rather confusing. I would suggest moving around some lines for impact sake, and also fragmenting the first part of the piece. All the words below are your own - and word or phrasing changes will be in bold.
Home is where the heart is.
Where do you go if you have no heart?
The end if where the start is
How can you proceed without clear valves?
----> I think the fragmentation is what gives this piece its mental and emotional connection to readers who have experienced this same situation. See how well fragmented couplets work?
----> The first metaphor that stuck out to me was "fully motorized engine." I understand what you are trying to say. The heart is like the body's engine. Without a heart a body can't run. But, I don't feel that car imagery really does any good because the metaphor isn't extended later on. It sort of sticks out by itself. That's why I suggested "clear valves." That sort of applies to a car metaphor but also more clearly speaks about the heart - how it needs clear ventricles for the blood and oxygen to pass through.
The inanimate body still bleeds.
How do we function without a purpose?
---> "Opoorate' and 'function' have the same definition. Using words that mean the same thing, in the same line, takes away the power of the word itself. Out of the two I believe 'function' is the strongest.
Overall, with my minimal suggestions your poem would look like this (relatively, you'd have to figure out margins and formatting later) given my advice.
Home is where the heart is.
Where do you go if you have no heart?
The end if where the start is
How can you proceed without clear valves?
The inanimate body still bleeds.
How do we function without a purpose?
Love and pain refuse to cooperate.
Life becomes incomplete
The journey becomes obsolete
Moist tears long for the concrete
Mental stability
Subjected to fragility
Invades our organic vicinity
Our insides become hollow
Our anonymous journals filled with sorrow
And there will be no good morrow
Impact: 4/5
I could relate to the poetry. I felt like the Speaker of the poem really understood how it felt to feel empty and as if you don't fit in at the house you live in. That the journey to finding a home is opening your hear to people and getting through the pain they feel.
All these emotion and concepts are clear in your poem, and the impact could be a 5 if the whole piece was fragmented and staggered to show the complete immersion of the mind in the journey to search for purpose.
Great job with this piece!