literature

Unchearted

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KelaLewis-Morin's avatar
Published:
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Literature Text

Unchearted


Home is where the heart is.
                                    
Where do you go if you have no heart?

The end is where the start is.


How can you proceed.

Without a fully motorized engine?

The inanimate body still bleeds.


How can we function and operate.

Without a soul purpose?

Love and pain refuse to cooperate.


Life becomes incomplete

                                        The journey becomes obsolete

                                                                                        Moist tears long for the concrete

Mental stability

                         Subjected to fragility

                                                          Invades our organic vicinity

Our insides become hollow

                                          Our anonymous journals filled with sorrow

                                                                                                             And there will be no good morrow





Kela lewis-morin
inspired by the human anatomy and the role of the heart. i tried to be distant from this piece but still have a universal personal spin on it lol i try to do the impossible in my mind but it never usually works lol anyway let me know what you think :)
© 2012 - 2024 KelaLewis-Morin
Comments48
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H-A-Cooke's avatar
Vision: 3/5

The theme of your piece has a lot of potential. I feel that the second half of the piece, with the fragmented format brings the overall emotion to your piece and sets in the impact. I would suggest picking one format for your poem, as different formats effect the reader in different ways, and mixing them takes away the strength you have in second half.

Originality: 4/5

I have never seen this theme done in this manner before. I think you start the poem with a really strong set of lines. I feel the impact of the words would be stronger if you broke the beginning into fragmented couplets.

Technique 3/5

As I said before, the mixed fixed form and free verse is rather confusing. I would suggest moving around some lines for impact sake, and also fragmenting the first part of the piece. All the words below are your own - and word or phrasing changes will be in bold.

Home is where the heart is.
Where do you go if you have no heart?

The end if where the start is
How can you proceed without clear valves?

----> I think the fragmentation is what gives this piece its mental and emotional connection to readers who have experienced this same situation. See how well fragmented couplets work?

----> The first metaphor that stuck out to me was "fully motorized engine." I understand what you are trying to say. The heart is like the body's engine. Without a heart a body can't run. But, I don't feel that car imagery really does any good because the metaphor isn't extended later on. It sort of sticks out by itself. That's why I suggested "clear valves." That sort of applies to a car metaphor but also more clearly speaks about the heart - how it needs clear ventricles for the blood and oxygen to pass through.

The inanimate body still bleeds.
How do we function without a purpose?

---> "Opoorate' and 'function' have the same definition. Using words that mean the same thing, in the same line, takes away the power of the word itself. Out of the two I believe 'function' is the strongest.

Overall, with my minimal suggestions your poem would look like this (relatively, you'd have to figure out margins and formatting later) given my advice.

Home is where the heart is.
Where do you go if you have no heart?

The end if where the start is
How can you proceed without clear valves?


The inanimate body still bleeds.
How do we function without a purpose?
Love and pain refuse to cooperate.


Life becomes incomplete

The journey becomes obsolete

Moist tears long for the concrete

Mental stability

Subjected to fragility

Invades our organic vicinity

Our insides become hollow

Our anonymous journals filled with sorrow

And there will be no good morrow

Impact: 4/5

I could relate to the poetry. I felt like the Speaker of the poem really understood how it felt to feel empty and as if you don't fit in at the house you live in. That the journey to finding a home is opening your hear to people and getting through the pain they feel.

All these emotion and concepts are clear in your poem, and the impact could be a 5 if the whole piece was fragmented and staggered to show the complete immersion of the mind in the journey to search for purpose.

Great job with this piece!