Sta.sh
Vindictive Thoughts.
Evil, is knowing better
But purposely doing worse.
Toying with love by the tether
And laughing when it hurts.
Prevailing by any measure
With no intention to reimburse.
Flaunting stolen fabricated treasures
Gaining what you never truly deserved.
To live a life of complete leisure
And never keeping to your words.
Manipulating and applying pressure
Because the rich and poor can never be merged.
The idea of a just world is just a rehearsed lecture.
Those who seek to create this will be publically purged.
We all fall victim to man kind's thin, green texture.
This is the life we are unwittingly trained to preserve.
To be human is a gracious gift but also a captivating curse.
Kela Lewis-Morin.
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It's hard for me not to read this with a sinister, deep voice.
First and foremost, I love how you never stop submitting to #PowerfulWriting. I enjoy reading your work and seeing how you progress. Unfortunately, lately the admins have been less inclined to accept your work as you've sort of become a victim of your own achievements. You've submitted pieces to us that truly dazzled and excited, piece that we really felt. A piece like this, while the skill behind it is not in question, it's the emotion where it falls flat. You have a way with words (I'm rubbish at rhyming) but it seems the greatest question I have with this piece, and with many, is who cares?. While I can read this, and I understand, and I know what you're saying and I just want to clap my hands and nod at my screen, you haven't made me care (for lack of a better term). I care because it's who I am. But when I read it, it falls a little flat as it is presented as sentences of fact stated in a creative fashion rather than the twisting spoken word that it could be. I guess what I'm trying to say is, give me more! Put in your facts, then elaborate, tie it to something, give examples, ask questions, really dig deep and get people to think the way they should be thinking. If that makes sense. With what you've given me here and in the past, I know you're capable of creating something even better.
Have a lovely evening.
First I would like to state that I'm going to be critiquing this piece as a part of ^Beccalicious' Cristmas is here! (Contest). But don't be afraid... it means nothing.
I like to start my critiques with my overall impression of a piece... you know, before I get down to the dirty bits of constructive feedback.
Now I'd like to point out a few good points in your writing:
You certainly have a way with words.
Usually I do not have the ability to appreciate songs & lyrics deviations. For this one it was difficult not to considering the natural beat you created with your spaces and choice of words. Everything about it read like a song & I could certainly see this being adapted into music.
Now for the constructive feedback!
There really wasn't many grammar issues - but I'll go ahead and point out the easiest to fix.
Thank you again, sweetheart, for sharing this wonderful piece! I hope my critique helps and keep up the good work!